Is history gng to repeat itself??

Basically, many things had happened, especially during this Ramadan. I remember Ramadan every year vividly cos it has always been the same. Mum didnt make a fuss during the first 2 weeks but after that, she starts her nagging and her scolding including vulgarities… Sakit telinga mendegarnya… There is nothing that I do (or even my siblings did) that is right in her eyes. To not make things worse, i just pretend I didnt hear her nagging, its not good to hear such things during this holy month. The last thing i want is to ‘batal’ my fast. Sometimes, i just pretend to go to the shop or take a walk downstairs so to prevent me from saying bad things back. I have thrown away that bad habit (of talking back to her) and i do not want to do that again for I’m a grown up now. I guess I just have to bear with it, eventhough sometimes this emotional abuse can cut me real deep… Sad really sad…

Btw, got a call from Char yesterday, she told us her Grandpa’s gone, he passed away last nite and the wake will be today, tmr and wed. All these while, we have been so busy with our own lives, and it has to take a funeral to get all of us together. Guess I will drop by to visit her family tmr with the other 2. Sad…

It has been a challenging 2 weeks plus Ramadan for me, my heart has been on a rollercoaster ride since the start of this holy month. I think Ive been crying so much that my tears has run dry now. During prayers i ask Allah for forgiveness, for Him to give me the strength to continue doing what I have to do. Life without Asri for the past 3 weeks has been different. It was partly my fault for pushing him away and its only right i get my heart broken. I am not strong but i am still holding on. * Ya Allah, aku redah dengan apa yang terjadi, mungkin ini semua sudah takdir. Berikanlah aku kekuatan dan hati yang tabah. Cekalkan lah hati kecilku ini, kuatkan lah iman aku. Aku menunggu saat Asri kembali kepada ku. Sudah ku memaafkan dia. Lagikan Allah s.w.t. boleh mengampun kan umatnya, apatah lagi kami hambanya. Ku tak mau bersedih lagi. Amin*

I wonder how u r doing. Probably doing fine? I just hope u r getting urself back. I do miss u, not sure if u do. You have been my friend, my guidance, my pillar of strength, my happiness and the love of my life.. I love U….

Note to self: Breathe slow, count from 1 to 10 with my eyes close… before i make any harsh decision which i will only regret later… test…this is a test!

I am experiencing the ‘hugest’ dejavu ever today! i think ever since i woke up this morning till night… i have never experienced something so weird before… but nvm nothing great happened anyway…

I received my class’ eng results this afternoon, looked through it and tabulated the rest of the marks… final marks, hmmm ok la..satisfactory even though the kids could have done better, they are just very careless…nag and nag, tell and advise so many times but they never listen… For all i know, i have tried my best to help and guide them! Now, i just have to wait for their maths results… This is so pressurizing, esp when u r teaching the supposedly the ‘best in maths class for P2′….

I slept and rested early yest, but am still feeling tired. My heart experienced lesser of the ‘skip a beat’ situation today but that doesnt mean it is gone totally… i think i should rest more… but how to? when i am so busy in school; have to clean and shift class by tmr, have to clear the staffroom for preparation of staffroom renovation, have to key in results yada yada… haiz… and i am constantly thinking about my sick pupils, one down with chicken pox & the other 3 running a fever… i cant help but to worry… will i survive all these? we’ll see…

*I am gald that u r getting ur smile back, getting urself back… i hope u really have thought about things, have worked out ur ways…. i know i miss u loads… but promise is a promise and i hope this time around u can keep to it… i am not expecting alot from u and never will…  all i’m asking is ‘be yourself’, the one that i fall in love with the first time… mend this broken heart if u may…*

But am just glad that i have finished marking the SA2 exam papers for other class… i wonder how my class fair… haiz just hope that they did well and that there should be no Band 3s!….

*How i wish i can just disappear and transport myself to some place beautiful and peaceful…*

Already Gone

by Kelly Clarkson.

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they’re haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even without fists held high, yeah
Never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die

I didn’t want us to burn out
I didn’t come here to hurt you now
I can’t stop

I want you to know
That it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road
Someone’s gotta go
And i want you to know
You couldn’t have loved me better
But i want you to move on
So i’m already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But i know that you’ll find another
That doesn’t always make you wanna cry
Started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn’t keep this love alive

You know that i love you so
I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know
That it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road
Someone’s gotta go
And i want you to know
You couldn’t have loved me better
But i want you to move on
So i’m already gone

I’m already gone
I’m already gone
You can’t make it feel right
When you know that it’s wrong
I’m already gone
Already gone
There’s no moving on
So i’m already gone

Already gone
Already gone
Already gone, oooo, oh
Already gone
Already gone
Already gone, yeah

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they’re haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know
That it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road
Someone’s gotta go
And i want you to know
You couldn’t have loved me better
But i want you to move on
So i’m already gone

Those three words fill our lives with happiness, tears and joy.

Three Four, i do want more

For your sweetness, embrace, warmth and kindness are what i longed for.

Five Six, Thou shall not break

Under this pressure, hurt & betrayal. For thou knows to err is human.

Seven Eight, it’s not too late

To ask for forgiveness and to forgive others..but promise is a promise and do keep to it.

Nine Ten, You are my Man

The one i care for, think about, smile about.. for you are my one and only if you are proud to be him…

And as i come back to One Two, I still and will always Love You

________________________________________________________________________________

It’s half past 12 but i still can’t sleep..i did many things to tire myself so that i wont have to think about the things that’s happening to me… but i can’t seem to get it out no matter how hard i tried. I fake a smile and put on a mask for the past two days, but somehow ppl around me seemed to notice that something was missing…. I havent been myself lately and i cant seem to be… ppl laughed and made me laughed, but what’s the point for it was just for a while.

When i am all alone, my smile vanished, carried away by the cold wind. I think about you all day and night..and im trying to convince myself that u r doing fine. but i know you and what u r like eventhough u r out of my sight. Someone told me there’s a reason why u react the way u always do but i know u can change if u want to. And then when someone told me I’m that reason, like a slap to my face, reality hit me. U think i’m asking u to be whom u r not, im asking for too many things which u cant afford, im demanding too much time, care, concern and love from u… But i swear these wasnt what i wanted when God sent you. All i want is a man who speaks the truth, in times of darkness and weakness too. For i believe that’s the key to eternal love….. we r to share our happiness, misery and sorrows.

Yes i’m selfish for i want only u and your love for me must always be true… but i am taking a step back to let u have u, to let u be u… Enough about ME and let’s focus on YOU..For the sacrifices ive made cannot be compared to those you’ve made. I will continue to fight for my love if i may…but let’s hope that my will power wont go away..for i am not strong and i wont live long enough for you to realise and see…at the start of it all, on why u chose to love Me…..

Your eggs are over easy
Your toast done lightly
All that’s missing is your morning kiss
That used to greet me

Now you say the juice is sour
It used to be so sweet
And I can’t help but to wonder
If you’re talking ’bout me

We don’t talk the way we used to talk
It’s hurtin’ so deep
I’ve got my pride, I will not cry
But it’s makin’ me weak

I’m not your superwoman
I’m not the kind of girl that you can let down
And think that everything’s okay
Boy, I am only human
This girl needs more than occasional
Hugs as a token of love from you to me, ooh, baby

I fought my way through the rush hour
Trying to make it home just for you
I want to make sure that your dinner
Will be waiting for you

But when you get there you just tell me
You’re not hungry at all
You said you’d rather read the paper
And you don’t want to talk

You like to think that I’m just crazy
When I say that you changed
I’m convinced I know the problem
You don’t love me the same

You’re just going through the motions
And you’re not being fair
I’ve got my pride, I will not cry
Still I can’t help but care

I’m not your superwoman (Oh, no, no)
I’m not the kind of girl that you can let down
And think that everything’s okay
Boy, I am only human (I’m only human)
This girl needs more than occasional
Hugs as a token of love from you to me

I’m not your superwoman (Hoo, hoo, hoo, ooh, ooh, hoo)
I’m not the kind of girl that you can let down (Hey)
And think that everything’s okay (Don’t let me down, don’t you let me down)
Boy, I am only human (I’m only human, yeah)
This girl needs more than occasional
Hugs as a token (Ooh, ooh) of love from you to me

Oh, baby, look into the corners of your mind
I’ll always be there for you through good and bad times
But I can’t be that superwoman that you want me to be
I’ll give my everlasting love if you’ll return love to me

I’m not your superwoman (Oh, no, oh, no)
I’m not the kind of girl that you can let down
And think that everything’s okay
Boy, I am only human (I’m only human)
This girl needs more than occasional
Hugs as a token of love from you to me (Oh, no)

If you feel it in your heart
And you understand me
Stop right where you are
Everybody sing along with me

Hoo, hoo, hoo, ooh, ooh, hoo
Hoo, hoo, hoo, ooh, ooh, hoo
I’m the kind of girl that can treat you so sweet
But you got to realize that you got to be sweeter to me, oh, ho, ho

Hoo, hoo, hoo, ooh, ooh, hoo
Hoo, hoo, hoo, ooh, ooh, hoo
I need love
I need just your love

I’m not your superwoman (Oh, no)
I’m not the kind of girl that you can let down (You can let down)
And think that everything’s okay
Boy, I am only human (I’m only human)
This girl needs more than occasional (Hey, hey, hey, hey)
Hugs as a token of love from you to me

I’m not your superwoman

by Karyn White..
I duno why but i kept hearing this song “Superwoman” by Karyn White… the lyrics were so real and full with emotions.. i cried of course… if given a choice, no woman would want to go through the pain felt in the lyrics.. but sometimes things just happened without us realising it… ppl just changed, feelings changed and things just felt so different between a couple…

So how do we keep up with the changes in time, changes to work schedules, changes to lifestyles and changes to one’s feelings cos there comes to a point where things just come to a halt, to a pause… for no one is a superwoman nor a superman… and no one ever wishes foe such things to happen… not me…